He entered the room with a smirk on his face. What brought out that smirk was his anticipation of the result of what was going to happen next. The room was already full. He wasn’t late though. He actually came in early but waited in a corner in the lobby outside the room hiding himself until he was sure that most of the guests had arrived. For him, it was easier to sneak into a filled room as compared to a place where there was still an expectation of guests coming in. He knew he wasn’t one of the most highly awaited persons on the guest list.
Like most of the plans in his life, this one also didn’t come together quite the way he had imagined. One person noticed him entering the room, and then another, and another. And before he knew, his presence became the topic of whispers all across the room. With each passing moment, the magnitude of the murmurs amplified making them both more obvious and audible to him.
He belonged to from where they belonged, yet he was different. Maybe because he chose to be that way. Or maybe because they thought he was. ‘Why does he need to be here every time?’ crooned one person in the ear of a senior member sitting next to him. ‘I don’t know’ the senior member answered without even looking at the questioner. ‘He probably wants to be like us’ he continued while pryingly keeping the young man in the crosshairs of his cataractic eyes. ‘I mean, look at him! He’s trying so hard to be like us. Trying to feel so comfortable among us.’ The questioner also now had his complete focus on the enigmatic young man trying to get to the depth of a story that was both cryptic and untitled.
He could sense people leering at him and giving him quick sidelong glances. They would pass a smile when an unsolicited eye contact was made. A smile that had disdain inscribed all over it from one corner of the lips to the other. ‘He’s a wannabe’ said someone in a group of four standing at a corner observing each move he made. ‘I think he deserves a chance though’ the same person continued trying the best he could to not sound biased or disapproving. ‘Are you serious?’ asked another person from the same group. ‘You want to go talk to him?’ he sneered as he asked. ‘Oh no, I don’t! I was just…’ and a remorseful chuckle sneaked into a convoy of laughter.
By this time, the enigmatic young man had gathered that his fears have come true and the little optimism that chauffeurs him to the room every time had quite silently bidden him farewell yet again. He could no longer feel a sense of belonging. The spotlight, it seemed was on him and he wasn’t too thrilled about it. The spotlight for him, in fact, meant the exit every time. It was like midnight for Cinderella, except that there was no prince in the story. He waited for other discussions to come to his rescue as he almost camouflaged himself with anything he could possibly think of to get their minds off him. And as soon as he sensed people finally ignoring him naturally as opposed to pretentiously, he slipped out of the room.
With a sigh of relief, he stood in the lobby contemplating the image of the man he could see in an outsized mirror in front of him on the wall. Optimism smiled at him through the image as if it was challenging him again. He smiled back at it, turned back and entered the room with the same smirk. Only this time, it was the room on the opposite side.
–Hammad A. Mateen
Hammad Abdul Mateen's Blog 